I feel lost. Like really lost. I have been disconnected from the outside world for longer than I am comfortable with. And it’s not like it’s the first time. No! I have experienced this one too many times. Always unassuming at the very most, when I succumb to being a victim of another man in pursuit of riches. However, it has never been as heartbreaking. Searching frantically in my jacket pocket I kicked out the emergency exit panel, and walked into a green field, sun-kissed I giggled like a baby and for a split second had no cares in the world. It happened in slow motion. That kick. You know the one you get in the gut when your conscious is convinced that you should prepare yourself for the worst? I felt it. Right in the middle of my abdomen. And I wanted to fall on my knees and stare at the ground, pray to the earth, yell to the air and cry to the sky. I wanted to ball myself up and lay on the winter grass until the pain I felt had floated away from inside my body through osmosis.
But I just blinked. Hysterically as I searched for my cool.
The reality hurt like a two-edged sword that cut to the asunder of my flesh and spirit. No matter how many times I wished, I couldn’t wish away this bad feeling. Funny enough, everything was Ok until I realized that something was missing. My state of oblivion was my saving grace and then it dropped me and the champion that is knowledge came to the rescue, shattered me to the ground and waited for me to emerge stronger than before. But I just stood there and pondered. This man next to me. I don’t know if he could see me or see through me, but he lost me for a couple of minutes and his stare was a dazed cry for help, that I may return to earth and be his darling date yet again. Perhaps his heart is in a short-lived victory dance of being the number contender for my attention. But my attention never really is just mine, it’s my whole world channeling our energy towards him, and that world was jerking from a system error. Query unresolved, I lost my assistant, so what remained was half thoughts, unfinished projects, unmarked to-do lists, and ultimately an incomplete me. And if that was OK for him, what did I do to deserve him?
One more look from him and I wouldn’t be able to hold back these tears, but his eyes never once stopped chasing me, not as my feet fumbled aimlessly across the field in search of a distraction, some solace until I wound back tracing back to him and letting him envelop me in his arms, begging for the tears to flow already so I can move on with my life. But where would I move to? My schedule, in point form and detailed where all in on some app hosted locally on my phone. My phone had two years of my life, message history, screenshots, reminders, transaction records and all future plans stemming from the past experience. Not to say I was a complete slave to this technology thing, I can merely attest to having accepted it as a fully operational extension of my very being. Is that where I got it wrong? Why I felt so betrayed by the very thing I loved so dearly? I was sold at how the Huawei P8 lite was so smart it always saved my life. Even more after the EMUI system update, and occasional surveys from the Huawei team to tailor make my experience with my smart buddy.
It’s almost as though, it opened me up to my deepest vulnerability and just as I was comfortable in the cradle of its convenience, opened its palms and let me slip through its fingers. Somewhere between holding tears that could easily have shocked me into a frenzy, the words that there was a purpose in all this echoed through the ears of the ghost state that was now me. Nothing could be more depressing really, no matter how I looked at it I felt robbed; of information, of security, and of self. Is this what a heartbreak feels like? Because I was losing my mind, and my sanity depended on retrieving that phone in the state I had last used it.